Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
