I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
