my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
