A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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