Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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