Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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