You made me cry and you don't even care
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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