i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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