he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
