hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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