I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
