can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
