New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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