Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've blown a few things in my day
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
