Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
