i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."