I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
