Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
