ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
