ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
