I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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