Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
