They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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