its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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