Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
