He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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