Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
