I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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