You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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