You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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