she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
