I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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