My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
