I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
