Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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