I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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