If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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