So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
