Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
