In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish you could order shots online.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sext me about skeletons
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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