When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
