you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
