the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You are a genius and a whore.
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