im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
