I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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