allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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