tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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