There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Welp...herpes.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
