dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
