they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
