Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
