matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
