This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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