U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
