He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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