I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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