Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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