Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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