i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
